In Memory of My Beloved Wife
Introduction
Jan is my one true soul-mate. A gift in the grace of God’s perfect love. We shared nearly 22 years on this earth together. We have helped each other through tragedy and have known the indescribable joy and serenity of total surrender in love. Today I can only give a small glimpse of the wonderful life I am so privileged to have shared with her.
Our Lives TogetherIn the spring of 1977 I met Jan for the first time. My friend at that time and I made a big production of going to visit her for the sole purpose of winding up her cat Snooper. While Marc wound up the cat I watched and was fascinated by Jan’s beautiful eyes and lively smile. Little then could we know what God had in store for each of us. We became friends immediately. Sharing thoughts and feelings even in the silences.
Through the next 6 years I was to be present with her through the end of her second marriage. I was to hold her the day she had to leave her children to the care of a man she was terrified of but it was the only way she could ensure their safety. I witnessed her share of what little she had to eat so that friends would eat as well. She would always delight in the little things, what nature’s beauty offered, music, companionship. She always loved the creative insanity within us… Fencing at the Laundromat, playing at the Renaissance Faire, wine and cheese in the hills, afternoons spent playing Othello and teaching her to play Gin (and losing to her), sitting together in the garden of Joy Mfg. in total serenity enjoying the sunlight and the Irises. These are but few examples of what we came to share together in friendship.
On May 9, 1983 the last relationship ended and she needed a place to stay. Little did either of us know that this day was be the start of a new relationship. Neither of us wanted to fall in love with the other. We were both walking through difficult paths and did not want to burden the other with yet another difficulty. Well that was not God’s plan… She ended up writing my name in the mirror and I found myself thinking of her often throughout the day. We had to talk and we did. We admitted that, though we felt the timing may seem inappropriate we could no more deny the love we felt for each other. From that day forward we were never to be apart.
I remember the power of nature in Jan, our trips to Santa Barbara where the weather and the artists made such a weekend that brightened her so very much. Our trip to Rochester in the Spring as the power and beauty enlivened her so much. It scared one of our travel companions, We both believe he thought us nuts. In her always to find that moment of peace, love and laughter. I remember the day we conceived our twins, and they say fathers are the last to know!? To know what beauty and joy she was as a mother! Though they never saw life on this earth they are today with her in Heaven.
After 4 ½ years of sharing our lives together a friend who’d know us through this time cornered me and said "Bruce, you really ought to marry that girl." I could only tell him that I was afraid it would end the relationship, she’d had two bad marriages and I didn’t want to hurt her, that I had asked her early on and was told never to ask that question again. Well, he insisted. So I came home, got on my knees (there are only two reasons a man will get on his knees when he isn’t working; One is to pray the other to propose to his beloved) and told her "Jan, I’m about to ask you the most important question of my life. Will you marry me?" She replied, "Of course I will you dummy! I thought you were going to ask me to leave." And tears ran down both of our faces as we surrendered to each other in the embrace. Thank you God for Tom, your instrument to bring us closer to each other and to You.
July 25, 1987, in the garden of this friends house my beautiful bride and I shared the covenant vows of marriage. At the end of those vows what I know now as an Anointing came upon both of us. Those who are wise knew. We were filled with His Holy spirit and we would often thank God for that gift. In the next years we shared many joys together, we traveled to distant places, learned to share our hearts through great distances.
On our honeymoon I had to find a place to ride horses together. We’d never tried that and she was an expert master horseman. So off we went south of Vancouver proper, I could feel the beautiful countryside in her. We found the stables and immediately she and the stable mistress hit it off. Of course she and I loved to talk of riding but I hadn’t ridden in years and only western tack. So here she goes and tells the mistress: a) that I’m an experienced rider and b) that I can ride English tack. Oh Boy, I’m in trouble now… Well we got on the horses, she bareback and bridle, and took off through the trails. At one point she lost her hat and silly me, I dismounted and picked it up. When I remounted that horse it tried to take off. She didn’t say a word as nature in me got that horse under control in very short order. Laughing about it later she said "I wasn’t worried, I knew you’d figure out what to do." Such faith! What a gift to be known so well.
I cannot tell all the gifts shared between us; the descriptions of the beauty and laughter in far away places. Sharing the thunderstorms of Kansas. Snow storms in New England. Autumn in Korea, the cherry blossoms in Japan, being present in Japan during Aki Hito’s coronation and marveling at the treasures in the National museum. The camping trips with our friends. The evenings spent laughing and entertaining each other. The Christmas of the kid. Her beautiful drawings. The serenity of her embrace. The passion in her kisses. The sweet warmth of her breath. Her laughter and her tears. I miss you my darling angel!
In the fall of 1993 a terrible tragedy became known to us. The feeling I had that July that something was terribly wrong with her during our trip to Australia was made known as Jan was diagnosed with M.S. She, with tears and trembling, came around our kitchen when I got home one day and asking "Would you still love me if I’m broken?" When I turned and saw what happened I couldn’t help but hold her and tell her that I loved her no matter what; She was stuck with me. What happened next was the answer to a prayer she’d been holding…
I had seldom spoken to my father in nearly 11 years but at that moment had to call the only man I knew with some experience as a husband and a Doctor. We were restored in the tragedy as father and son. His home became a refuge for the two of us and we shared the joy of family. The serenity there, the good food and the joy of watching my father and I perform for her brought her great peace and joy. We would renew the serenity in each others arms there… able for each two weeks to carry on a little longer.
God’s full grace entered into our lives on March 28, 1996 when the struggle had become too much for us. Building a new foundation of trust and prayer we began to know God’s will and love in new ways. New strength flowed into us as we came to believe that, no matter what, God had a purpose. The gifts of His love brought nurses who made sure she was cared for and helped, friends with whom to share the burdens and the joys. His miracles and strength allowed us to continue our dance through life even as the disease would destroy her nerves. Few could believe that we continued as we had, it simply wasn’t known to happen. His grace and power enabled us to endure tragedy beyond comprehension as my beloved wife passed into a paralyzed silence and my father passed into the Everlasting Life through the next year.
In the years that followed He continued to give us strength and to teach us the truth about a love that never dies. We prayed, we learned to communicate our love for each other. We kept the surrender in the caresses and kisses, the caring for her was easy. Never was she to lose the sparkle in those beautiful blue eyes or the smile on her face. Then in November of 1998, when the struggle was feared to be over God gave us a miracle. I had to tell her that she didn’t have to stay for me, that if the struggle was ended, I’d rather her in His arms than suffer, that if the Angels were here to go with them. Her eyes brightened with tears that told me she would have to carry on a while longer and then she spoke the first words in two years… "I love you Bruce." We both held each other and cried, the nurses were amazed. We thank you Jesus for that blessing. We really needed it.
We continued to find new ways to express our love for each other. We continued to share the hope, faith and prayers that God would raise her up and make her whole. We continued to be renewed in each others arms and through His holy gift of love. On August 31 at 610 AM she passed from me into the care of angels. In that last hour before she passed, when we could no longer reach each other physically for her body was broken beyond compare, what I can only describe as the Love of our Lord Jesus Christ held us together in His arms so our hearts could share those last precious moments in peace and love together.
Closing
I remain so honored to have shared the struggle and the joy with her that these mere words cannot explain. Proverbs 31:10 - 31 describes a virtuous woman, and such describes my beloved Jan. Truly her candle went out not by night!
If we could but share this one true thing with you. Perhaps a sense of His purpose. We have witnessed people come to know our Lord better and have seen broken spirits mended in those who have known Jan and I. We have heard of great peace and strength at work in others who were witness. Hearts, hardened from the trials of the world have softened. Families grown apart have been mended. That these miracles great and small and blessings beyond measure are there for the simple faith in Him through prayer. The gift of God’s Perfect Love in our lives. Today a table waits in Heaven at which sits my beautiful bride. We thank you God for your precious gift of Love and praise you Jesus for our salvation.
Lastly, If Jan and I may share this portion of the scripture with you. The Apostle Paul wrote in Phillippians 4:6-9: